FOCUS 3, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE THOUGHTS

Focus on low self-esteem and other negative thoughts

Many people have grown up with the deeply ingrained belief that they have no intrinsic worth. They often firmly believe that they are good for nothing and possess no human qualities worth loving. 

They may have found during their childhood that they only received care and attention when they had accomplished something: This could be anything from cleaning and cooking to getting an A on a Danish essay. 

People who have grown up with this kind of lack of self-worth often develop a pattern of behavior in which they constantly have to prove to others that they are worthy of love and worth spending time with. They try to "make themselves indispensable." Helping with the garden; moving; painting the living room; taking on the extra work; baking the cake for the neighborhood party. The list can go on and on. 

This can lead to overburdening yourself in your efforts to prove your worth. It can get so bad that you have no time left for yourself, because all your time is spent trying to show that you are worthy of love. 

Stress can arise because you don’t have time for yourself. Nor do you have the energy, since all your focus is spent on proving that you’re worth caring about. 

It would be a good idea to address the underlying trauma with the help of hypnosis. It’s a targeted approach, and the timeframe is short.

However, it is also possible to shift your focus over time. This will result in a significantly longer time horizon, but can still make a big difference. 

All you have to do is write down three words every day about something you love or are proud of about yourself. You can never repeat the same word, so once you’ve written down a trait or something else about yourself, you can’t use that word again on another day. 

When you have an idea for something you want to write, ask yourself whether it stems from your own pride or someone else’s: Mothers, in particular, may tend to confuse their pride in their children with pride in themselves and, for example, praise their child’s upbringing. You cannot write: “I am proud of my child’s good upbringing.” On the other hand, it is okay to write: “I am proud that I managed to be constructive in the conversation with my daughter today, so that together we found a solution.”

You can do this exercise for as long as you find it rewarding. Some people do it for a few years, others for the rest of their lives. 

Saying no

Another important thing to keep in mind is to have a strategy for how to say no. You have this idea that people will only stick with you as long as you’re providing something, so it’s hard to say no. Others also expect you to say yes, because that’s what you usually do. The strategy is simple: Avoid giving an answer right away when you’re asked for a favor. 

Instead, when you’re asked if you can help with this or that, you always start by saying you’ll have to check, because you think you have a tentative plan for that day, or your husband mentioned something you need to do. 

Is that a lie? No, because you might have made a promise to yourself.

Your most important responsibility is to yourself: to make sure you’re doing well. To feel good, you need to do things you enjoy. You also need to relax and just be yourself. So maybe that’s the agreement you’ve made.

So if there’s nothing on your calendar, you don’t have to say yes to helping out. It’s okay to say no if you don’t feel like it, or if you know you need to relax right now.

It can be hard at first to say no when you’re face to face with someone asking for help. That’s why it’s a good strategy to wait to respond until you get home. It is easier to send a message or make a call. Over time, you’ll get better at tuning into your own feelings and saying no when you’re face to face with someone.