THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
The theory of the five love languages was developed by Gary Chapman and is a very useful way to understand how most people express and receive love. Here’s an overview :)
We humans express and understand love in five different ways. The importance each of these ways holds for each of us varies from person to person and can actually be visualized as a layer cake divided into pieces of different sizes.
It’s really helpful to know what your own love language is, but it’s just as important for you to know how the love language of someone you care about is categorized.
That way, it will be easier for you to show your love for that person, and they will understand that it is love you are showing.
The five different languages are:
Time
For many people, spending time together is a very important part of showing and understanding love.
If you tell a "time person"—someone for whom time is at the top of their list of love languages—that you love your friend but only see her once every two years because, unfortunately, she lives 40 km away, that person simply won’t understand you (unless they’re familiar with the five love languages).
Making it a priority to spend time together will be seen as a sign of care and love by the modern person.
On the other hand, not spending time together will be seen as indifference and a lack of love.
Words of appreciation
Expressing one's feelings through words of appreciation is important to many people.
"You're so good at..."; "I love that you..."; "You look great..."; "I love spending time with you..."
People who have words of affirmation at the top of their love language verbally praise and appreciate their partner, and for that reason, they are easy to recognize. With your knowledge of the five love languages, you can better understand and acknowledge their feelings and also respond to their expressions of love in a way that lets them know you care about them.
Touch
Hugs. Some people love it, and others hate it.
Hugs are really effective if you want to know whether touch is one of the top ways on a person’s list of love languages.
In general, though, people who like physical contact are easy to spot, since they always have to pat you on the arm, give you a hug, hold your hand, or stroke your neck.
For them, it’s a sign that they like you as a person—because you can be sure that if they didn’t like you, they’d be reluctant to touch you.
Take it as a nice sign that they see you as a wonderful person.
If you want to show love or kindness to someone who feels this way, it naturally happens through touch.
If it’s your elderly grandmother, it might be a pat on the hand or a hug; if it’s the lady on the bus, it might be a light tap on the arm.
If it's your girlfriend, you'll need plenty of physical affection. Keep reading, and there's a little story at the end of the guide.
Services
Doing favors for others, or having someone do a favor for you—that’s also one of the five love languages.
Here, too, it’s so easy to see who we’re talking about.
The guy who’s always offering to help with moving or taking away yard waste, or the woman who just lends a hand when it’s time to paint.
Gifts
Some people just love giving gifts to others. Remember that people often express their love to others in the same way they themselves would like to be loved—so if your friend always brings you flowers or a little something she’s made, it’s a good idea to return the favor, because that’s likely the way she feels loved herself.
How can you put this into practice?
As mentioned, many people express their own love language to others without considering that it might not be the other person’s love language—and that it therefore may not necessarily be perceived as love.
On the other hand, when you speak to the other person in their own love language, you will often notice a change in your relationship.
Years ago, I had a woman in therapy who had a very hard time figuring out what her mother’s love language was. We agreed that she should call her mother and ask if she gave her coffee (time). For their coffee date, she was to bring her mother a flower (gift). During her visit, she was also to compliment her mother on how well she set the table (words of affirmation), hold her hand (physical touch), and offer to tend to her mother’s potted plants, since her mother had trouble doing so herself (acts of service).
This small gesture marked the beginning of a positive change in their relationship, as the mother subsequently realized that her daughter cared about her.
Similarly, I once spoke with a woman who said to me in exasperation, “What am I supposed to do with all this jewelry and flowers? Can’t he just sit down next to me and hold my hand?”
Think of the people you care about
...and give them what they understand as love.
If it’s hard to figure out, talk to them about it. If they understand the five love languages, it will also be easier for them to understand when you show love—and how they can show their love to you in a way that you understand.